Vows We Make Part 2

Yesterday, I blogged about the decisions we make in life when we are young and/or vulnerable and how many of those decisions become secret vows that set our course in different areas of life. This subject has fascinated me over and over as I have studied it in my life and in the lives of people around me. When you begin to hear the phrase, “Oh, I would never….”, you can be sure there is a vow in place somewhere, and that decision is rooted in some experience or belief.

All of us have made some solid decisions in life based on experiences we have had. Many of those decisions were positive, and many are negative, but that begs the question, “How do I know if my decision was a positive one or a negative one?” And it would seem that all of us would love a formula to have our “Best Life Now” because we want to be known for someone who makes good decisions.

Without putting decisions in the framework of morality, what I have to say from here on out will be of no value. So I begin my discussion on decision-making from the belief that there is such a thing as a moral law, that in order to have a moral law there is a Moral Law Giver, and that Moral Law Giver is God as revealed in the scriptures of the Holy Bible. I have to start here because, all logic associated with decision-making finds its basis in how we view our life’s value, or the value of our neighbor, and the purpose of life itself. Value and purpose cannot be determined by science, mathematics, or chance. When I make the decision to trust someone or not to, I cannot tell you why I “ought to” or “shouldn’t” without a moral compass that directs those decisions, and all of us feel there are things we “should” do and things we “shouldn’t.”

Morality has been seen as a code of conduct that one adheres to in order to please God, but I want to add to that thought that Morality is not just a code of ethics or beliefs, it is also an invitation into something greater. For example, when God says “Thou Shall Not Steal”, He is not just drawing a line that you dare not cross, He is also inviting you into a life of self-control, a life of care and protection of another, and the peace that accompanies a life that is not haunted by the fear of robbery. Everyone longs to live in a neighborhood where they don’t have to lock their door at night, and where everyone watches out for their neighbor. Isn’t that true? If it isn’t, we would see many more vacation packages offered for inner-city vacations. “Thou shall not steal” opens up opportunity for that kind of life.

When God says “Do not commit adultery”, He is inviting you into a lifestyle of cultivating and nurturing the relationships you currently possess, while protecting you and your family from the consequences of broken vows and insatiable lust. Who doesn’t dream of a family where parents commit to one another in love and nurture?

As I referred to one of my childhood vows in the previous post, that I would never trust a man, I explained that this was a decision I made as a child. That decision was not necessarily a moral decision at the time. It was a self-preserving decision that is characteristic of someone whose trust has been violated. The decision wasn’t wrong until….Until, because of that decision, I decided to cut men down and cut them off before they had a chance to get to know me. When I made it my art to craft sarcasm and quick wit that would cut my opponents off at the knees, that is when God began to deal with my heart. At this point where my decision to protect myself negated the value of others (in particular, men), my conscience became pricked.

Here is the beautiful thing about God. He has invited me and you into a relationship with Him which means He speaks to us on our level, right where we are. When God began dealing with my heart on my vow to never trust, He didn’t say, “Cate, knock it off, you idiot!!” No, instead, He dealt with my fear. You know– the motivation behind my dis-trust? He asked me to trust Him. Scriptures like “God is not a man that He would lie” as well as others about Him being a good Father, and one who never leaves of forsakes me, became the thoughts He asked me to meditate on. These scriptures brought up huge questions in me, and since God is a relational God, He allowed me to ask my questions, and believe me I had many. Then came the invitation: “Cate, I want you to lay your sarcasm down, and every time you are tempted to defend yourself by cutting someone off with your words, I want you to stop, bite your tongue, and invite me into the scenario. I want you to trust ME.”

This is where our vows and values are tested to see whether or not they should be the directors of our path. Right here where we choose between trusting ourselves, or accepting God’s invitation to trust Him. If by my internal vows I have de-valued another or myself, or if I have neglected God or have to ignore Him to accomplish my goals, then I am choosing wrongly, and God will intervene in my heart through my conscience.

Let me give examples of other vows we make that God may challenge us on. “I will always speak my mind.” Although this decision can be very positive for someone who rarely shares how they really feel, this vow can also serve as a bulldozer that destroys relationships if not moderated. If you pride yourself on always saying exactly what you are thinking, there is a good chance you have struggling relationships if not broken ones. Here is where the value question comes into play. Since God values you and your neighbor, He will invite you to lay down your reputation in order to enter into a life of understanding and forgiveness. He will invite you into real relationships with people where there is give and take, compromise, and encouragement. This will include telling the truth, and hearing the truth, as well as biting your tongue.

How about “I will never move to another state.” For those of you who grew up as military kids, or in families that bounced around a lot, this is a common vow that is made. And the vow itself is not wrong until….Until your husband or wife gets that promotion they worked so hard for, but the new employment means a move. Or when your income dries up where you live, and your best means of making a living again require uprooting and changing. Now your vow comes into question, and your value system up for scrutiny.

In order for any one of us to change a direction in our lives, we have to let go of our vows and grab something else–Something solid, something trustworthy. Many have said that faith is believing something there is no evidence for, but I would argue that faith is the placeholder for what we cannot see but that we are certain will buoy us up. God asks us for that kind of faith in Him. Faith to accept His invitation into a life we maybe haven’t “seen”, but we are certain exists because He exists and in Him there is all power, potential, and opportunity. If he asks me to let go of a past vow, it is only because He has something better that will take its place. That “better” thing will only be realized in my relationship with Him, for through Him, I relate to the rest of the world.

Through God, I also honor vows. Vows of faithfulness, fidelity, friendship, and loyalty can only be carried out with the power of God at work in us. When we want to throw in the towel because we just can’t “see” the end result, God gives us strength to finish what we started, and opens up the invitation again into the life he intends for us. Whether you are making vows with God in the center, or letting go of ones He has not originated, you can trust that He, the Moral Law Giver, is also a Good Father, and the author of your script if you dare to read it!

tough decisions

Stalled Out

To my children as you grow:

Sometimes when you feel your life has stalled out it is because there are decisions you need to make, but haven’t.  Often they are already in your heart and mind, but you have not drawn your conclusions. The mental energy expended just mulling the ideas over and over in your head will wear you thin and burn you out.  If you become stuck in the fantasy that you can “have it all”, you will never learn how to hold on to what is valuable, and let other “good things” go.

The trouble often is that when you delay decision-making, you are tempted to blame everyone else and everything else on your frustration.  You will find ways to make it someone’s fault and even pass the blame to God if you feel confused.  “If I just had more money, position, time, resources…etc…” , or “God just doesn’t want me to succeed.”

The solutionGet off of the Ferris wheel of blaming and instead, prayerfully, (and with your convictions and God’s standards) make your decisions. No one else is going to make them for you.

Once you have made your decisions, begin working a plan.  Try out your ideas.  Set something into motion.  Re-discover the joy of venturing into something you haven’t tried before.

Your decision to say “no” to something, opens up more “yes” possibilities.  Your decision to say “yes” to something will narrow your choices, giving you a more stream-lined set of options, and set your direction.  When you say “no” to something, it invariably requires you to say “yes” to something else and vice versa.

You don’t need a buffet of options, in life, you need to commit to one option at a time and build your future.  Trying to leave your options all “open” causes you to become double-minded and unstable.  (Even a fisherman has to close up the net in order to bring in his catch.) Make choices, stick with them, work them through, and discover the joy of putting one foot in front of the other.

No one lives in limbo successfully.photo(3)